The Moonlit Path

“Now that you know I’m trapped, sense of elation. You’d never dream of breaking this fixation.” -Muse

Transforming the body isn’t just about looking good in front of the mirror—It’s about feeling good about yourself and knowing that, by sheer will, determination and commitment, you have pushed your way through a long and arduous journey.

About four years ago, I decided to dramatically change my life on a self-imposed initiative to look better and feel better. This involved a lot of physical pain, mental anguish and a whole lot of research to adapt my body to an entirely new way of life I had only dabbled in on occasion prior to this life-long pact. Slowly throughout the years, I have grown stronger and have triumphed many obstacles before progressing to the next hurdle that had awaited me. With each passing day, a goal was attained. And with each victory, a new challenge always presented itself. It is an ongoing commitment to rediscover and redefine oneself physically, mentally and spiritually. And even as I continue to endure and break through my own limits, I have come to a point now where my drive to achieve results is bordering on the brink of obsession.

I was never what most people would consider fat, but I also wasn’t really all that slim. Underneath my clothes, my body was misshapen with extra layers of flab that I concealed well from the outside world. At least from my own perspective in the mirror, the reflection I saw was not the person I wanted to be. I poked at every single flaw, however small they might have been, and with such exaggerated self-criticism, it allowed me to notice all the others that had not been visible to me before. And from there, my self-esteem plummeted into a downward spiral that had left me mentally battered and unable to contribute any self-worth that I justly deserved. It was my own dark little secret that ate me alive—and throughout all these years, I kept it well.

I began with an excessive amount of cardiovascular exercise. Once every day, sometimes twice, I would force myself to run until my legs were close to collapsing—the more I did it, the longer I was able to run for and in turn, the more calories and fat that I would burn off my body. I made it routine. I made it a daily chore. I drove it inside me until It was almost compulsive-obsessive, and it really was. I knew the hard work wouldn’t provide an instant return so I dove into extensive research about nutrition and how the body reacts to certain foods such as the consequences of refined sugar, high consumption of enriched flour based products and how the body stores fat if my eating habits allowed it to think it was starving. So, I changed my diet completely. I cut everything out that was detrimental to my goal cold turkey and turned to meals rich in lean protein, fruit and vegetables and low in “bad” fats—and it consumed me. I could not bare to eat anything that was remotely unhealthy, no matter how small. It seemingly possessed me. I picked at every meal that I ate and if someone was making a meal for me, I would hover over their shoulders to make sure they were adding the correct amount of certain ingredients. That’s too much of this. There is too little of that. I was living in a state of constant food paranoia that surely drove them insane. Hell, it drove me insane. I had a schedule etched in my head that I could not stray from. I constantly watched the clock. I had to eat specifically at the right time. I had to make sure I had enough time to exercise before bedtime. If I missed a meal or a workout, I feared that it would instantly reverse everything that I had worked for. Time was always running out on me, always. I didn’t know it then, but in hindsight, I was quite neurotic.

Eventually, I got to my desired weight and realised it was time to put on some muscle. So, I devised a new schedule for myself that cut my cardiovascular exercises down to just two days out of the week and four days of alternating muscle groups with one day of rest. I was gaining good weight and in turn I was receiving a lot of comments about my results. It felt great to have someone notice my hard work and it felt even greater that people would seek me for advise on how they should achieve the same results, little did they know the turmoil I was going through—the feast, the famine, the obsession. The entire process was a plague. Surely I attained my goal, but the road I had chose to get there was a long and bumpy road indeed.

Nothing is ever black and white and it is always good to wander off into the grey areas a little. I occasionally find myself indulging in the fatty foods I love or taking an extra rest day if I need it, or want it. But that doesn’t just involve nutrition and diet, but with everything you do. I still have yet to find a real balance between this obsession. I realise you can’t just work for something like this and then stop. It is a life long commitment. But you don’t have to bend completely backwards, just a little. Sooner or later I will have to revise my plan. My long term goal is figuring out how to keep this physique throughout my later years. Fact is, I can’t run forever.