“Now that you know I’m trapped, sense of elation. You’d never dream of breaking this fixation.” -Muse
Transforming the body isn’t just about looking good in front of the mirror—It’s about feeling good about yourself and knowing that, by sheer will, determination and commitment, you have pushed your way through a long and arduous journey.
About four years ago, I decided to dramatically change my life on a self-imposed initiative to look better and feel better. This involved a lot of physical pain, mental anguish and a whole lot of research to adapt my body to an entirely new way of life I had only dabbled in on occasion prior to this life-long pact. Slowly throughout the years, I have grown stronger and have triumphed many obstacles before progressing to the next hurdle that had awaited me. With each passing day, a goal was attained. And with each victory, a new challenge always presented itself. It is an ongoing commitment to rediscover and redefine oneself physically, mentally and spiritually. And even as I continue to endure and break through my own limits, I have come to a point now where my drive to achieve results is bordering on the brink of obsession. Continue reading ‘Confessions of a Madman’
Saturday started off like a normal day: the alarm went off and I woke up to two hungry cats staring at me and meowing in loud bursts, begging for breakfast. After feeding them, I went on about my day: I took a shower, got dressed and went to work. Normally, Atrus is out and about—a rambunctious little kitty, full of life and energy, but yesterday afternoon Robbie and I came home to a sick, lethargic kitty. Atrus was anti-social, had no desire to eat, unable to move and crying out in pain. Cats are commonly quite resilient and we thought that perhaps he just had a little tummy ache and that the sickness would pass in a matter of twenty-four hours. Unfortunately, we were wrong.
Early this morning, we found Atrus hunched over under the table, still very ill and in obvious distress. Robbie and I decided to take him over to the Emergency Animal Hospital in hopes to get him nursed back to health. During our visit we find out that his little bladder was enlarged and hardened due to a urinary obstruction. The surgical procedure was estimated at $2000 dollars, and with a few adjustments to the treatment the most we could get them to lower the price was to $1500 (paid at the time of visit.) And even still, that was a cost that we both could not afford. It was almost shocking to hear and even more so to see it on a piece of paper that she had presented to us. Both of our hearts sunk, and an empty, hollow feeling consumed every inch of us. The doctor offered two final options: euthanasia or surrendering Atrus to the hospital (still paying the fees associated to euthanasia,) in which then they would proceed with the surgical procedure and then adopt Atrus into a new home. With no other alternative, we opted for the latter of the two. Still succumb to a deepening sadness, the overwhelming feeling that we have lost a little bit of our soul is only slightly softened by knowing that he is still alive and will be cared for in another home. He was a ball of pure energy, loving and a joy to have been part of our family. We will both miss him and forever keep him in our hearts. We love you, Atrus! Get well soon.
Continue reading ‘Early Sunday Mourning’
“My brain says I’m receiving pain, a lack of oxygen, from my life support, my iron lung.” -Radiohead
About ten days have passed and I find myself awkwardly restructuring every routine that I have grown so accustomed to in order to recondition my daily life into this new, almost alien-like, way of living. I am slowly peeling away from something that was such a big part of my life–something after years and years had become so normal to me, second nature if you will. I did not realize how taxing this would be to me mentally, however I will note that it has become less and less demanding as days continue to pass. While the sun still rises and falls valiantly with the moon against the horizon and the world around me resumes itself in perfect harmony, my body does not–it lays still, frozen within a zone of discomfort and dumbstruck at the realization that I do not know what to do with myself during long periods of passing time. There was a moment the other day just after I had gotten myself dressed for work that I sat in my chair for an entire hour, staring at a blank wall trying to figure out what I should be doing. Almost everything that I have done up until now has been associated with smoking in one way or another and there is a challenge in filling that absence with something else “healthy.” I am hoping that sudden urges or peaks of high stress will not get the best of me and I realize this will take some time to finally master. Fortunately it seems that I have more than enough of it.
Transforming the body isn’t just about looking good in front of the mirror—It’s about feeling good about yourself and knowing that, by sheer will, determination and commitment, you have pushed your way through a long and arduous journey.
